Warning: If you don’t like “gallows humor,” don’t read any further.
People have always made jokes during dark times; experts say it’s a coping mechanism, like whistling past a graveyard.
We’re all stuck at home, scared of something we can’t see, and wondering if anything will ever get back to what we used to call “normal.”
What’s not to laugh about?
Here are some of the best jokes I’ve read since coronavirus plunged the whole world into a dark place.
“Really sucks that coronavirus hit during allergy season. I can’t tell if I have five days to live or I need to take a Claritin.
“Day four without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
“I picked a hell of a time to have not learned how to cook for the past 29 years
“Commercials in 2030 will say: Were you or someone you knew over-exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol or bleach during the 2020 coronavirus pandemic? If so, you may be entitled to compensation?
“Gonna ask my mom if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table.
“I feel like I’m 16 again: Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
“I can’t go to Starbucks anymore so today I made coffee at home, yelled my name out wrong, lit a $5 bill on fire then wandered around the house looking for an empty chair.
“Day one of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health. Day two of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower.
“Day seven at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture.’”
(Of course, there’s always drinking, especially when liquor stores are considered an “essential service.”)
“It’s called ‘Quarantine Coffee.’ It’s just like regular coffee except it has a margarita in it. Also, no coffee.
“There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul. Even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stick. And vodka.
“Twenty-five years from now, kids everywhere will be like, ‘I remember the spring of 2020 — that’s when I learned how much liquor it takes to be a parent.’”
(Some people have an easier time quarantining than others. Retired folks come to mind.)
“It’s 11:58. Not even noon yet. And I’m up and dressed!
“Retirement is good training for quarantine. I can do three months lying on my left side.
“I’ve been ‘social distancing’ and ‘sheltering in place’ for years. I just didn’t know they had names.”
(But retired people are lucky! We’re not trying to homeschool our children!)
“I moved a table into the living room so the kids now have a cute little workspace and desk area to sit at while they whine.
“I told the kids we were starting homeschool at 9 a.m. and they all are hiding from me in their rooms with the doors locked, so is this winning? It feels like winning.
“Homeschool day one: How do I get a kid transferred out of my class?
“The first hour of homeschooling started out strong, with some great reading comprehension exercises, and concluded with an epic tantrum over the fact that she can’t watch ‘Frozen 3’ because it does not exist.
“Day five of home school: Today in science we studied the effects of Nyquil on children.
“I just did 20 minutes of phys ed exercises with my fourth grader. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your favorite charity in my memory.
“Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vacuuming.
“Day one of Coronavirus Homeschool: Here’s a detailed itinerary by which we will live full and productive lives. Day three: Here’s a doughnut; please put on pants by noon. I am not even exaggerating.
“How is homeschool going? Two students were suspended for fighting. A third student requested a transfer to another school. The lunch lady quit on the first day, and a teacher was fired for drinking on the job.
“Been homeschooling a 6-year-old and 8-year-old for one hour and 11 minutes. Teachers deserve to make a billion dollars a year. Or a week.”
Got something Sunny Schubert should know? Call her at 222-1604 – Seriously! She’d love to talk to anyone who is not her husband! – or e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.